Joe is yelling at the trees again.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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