haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
