census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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