Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
