When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
