You made me cry and you don't even care
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
