The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
