she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
