i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Drunk is not a location!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
