I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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