I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
