i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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