i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Are we still banned from the library?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
