what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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