he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
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