Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
