you have to choose: penises or morals?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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