I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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