What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
