I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
