So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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