it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
