There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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