1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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