I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
