hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
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