is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
