allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
