Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize