If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
