I hate your face
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
