i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
