why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
