Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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