I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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