i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
