If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
