Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
