dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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