Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
