and she was petting her beer can
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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