I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
