On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
