im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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