i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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