you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
