so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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