Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
