Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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