I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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