I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
